The pumpkin spice latte you hate so much
Is not the mere affectation you believe
It is the first shot fired each year in the eternal Holiday War
That’s right!
In response to the Christmas aggression in November
We are annexing September in the name of Halloween!
Pumpkins in everything!
Candy sales!
Stores that ONLY SELL COSTUMES!
YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE ESCALATED IF YOU DIDN’T WANT WAR, SANTA!
We didn’t fire the first shot,
But I promise you we will fire the last
We will fill everything with
Cloves and cinnamon
Orange and red leaves
That crisp breeze across a college campus
A temperature that is just warm enough during the day and just cool enough at night
That one gif of a guy with a pumpkin face dancing
Night on Bald Mountain
Fake cobwebs and straw men
All the empty warehouses will become haunted all year long
Every hayride will be harried by the Headless Horseman
Yes, this means we’ll have one more month of
Sexy insert-random-object-or-concept
But every conflict has casualties
And it’s usually the women
Just remember our end goal:
We will hold the line at October 31st
While gradually assimilating the rest of the year
Into the Grand Empire of Costumes and Cider
In the name of cheesy horror movies
And Jack Skellington
The future is a leering pumpkin
Squashing the face of a reindeer
Forever